Today my heart broke
Today my heart broke. I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. With entangled but harsh borders keeping my bones and skin and softness tighly strapped to iron rods. And I'm glued stuck and repulsed to my guts. I am afraid that not only I, but also those I care about won't recognize me.
I don't recognize me. Every inch of me wants to hide. I feel as if displaced and forgotten, cut out of myself, and off of life. Severed of the totality.
Alone. Subjected to the abandoning of myself.
I wonder, how I can fall into my body when there is so much pain. And I beckon the universe, life, please help, help to accept! I spent the morning looking at the horrors in Gaza. The results of an unjust war. But war is never just, other than to those that need to convince themeselves and the world of it's rightfulness. It made me vomit. But I couldn't cry before many hours later. The suffering seeped deeply into space, intertwined with the very fabric of my being, and it touched those places that have known abondonment and separation as their second nature all too well.
All wars are of separation, of pain, of trauma and terror and they feed off of, and strenghten the very core of it. It's dystopia to think that war could ever solve anything. That war can ever foster peace.
I realise I stand here as one of them. As all. I recognize the trauma that has flooded hearts through time and space. When I was two, I woke up by the nightmares of war. I knew exactly what had shaken me through these nights, despite not having had to live through it in daily life. I wondered sometimes if I felt and carried the memories of my grandparents within me. I believe I did. I believe we all do, carry the pain that once started it's course throughout our bloodlines, and wider families, nations, and groups of belief and disbelief too. Both the pain caused and the pain suffered. And which entangles the minds and bodies of our present. Without really understanding the collosal depth of pain we are holding in our core. And which left unchecked holds the potential to become a secondary identy to our true essence. Something to ingulf space, our inner space. Ouselves.
In the wind, and early winterdarkness, in dancing I found the freedom of my souls and bodies wish to move. Exactly as wanted, and only as was needed. And I found a little less fear of the world in the touch of another soul. I found courage to let it move through me a little less uncensored. And I asked the heavens and earth to help find acceptance, to allow me to meet the earth once again.
With my eyes closed I found small nooks to enter. Small places to explore. Every dance of these is more beautyful than the previous. Here I find myself.
I thought I could sneak away unnoticed, but was stopped in my tracks. And eventually I could cry the hot tears that had waited to be released. They still are here. I cry with my brothers and sisters.
Those that have lost so much, their homes and families, their names, and silent nights.
And cry for those that have lost their ability to feel, that have lost their empathy in the rubble and dust of distruction, of separation, lost the commitment to themselves and peace within and the courage to meet the world, as I cry for myself in these moments of forgetting and hopelessness.
Slowly our tears wash away the debris that has accumulated and prevented us from falling into ourselves. With nowhere to go and too much to carry.
And sowly my body begins to soften.
With the support of a warm embrace I can slowly enter. Slowly come home.
May there be peace for all of us. May there be the ever so gentle touch of love to help encompass what is too rough and heavy too carry alone. May it bring us comfort, this touch. Wether it be an embrace of a body or a word or the eyes listening. And the knowing, you are not alone. Right here we are in it together. Undevided…
And may we find the courage to remain when we have fallen out of us. To softly witness our return.
